Changed

October Saturdays are my favorite, and I have every intention of making the most of this first one. I'm cuddled up on the couch, Kyle has a football game on, and we've already sipped up our respective coffee-house drinks earlier today (neither of which were coffee--tea for the Mr. and hot chocolate for moi)--all I need is something pumpkin-y and a scarf on, and all of my fall favorites would be checked off.

I didn't mean to take such a long break from blogging. But sometimes life isn't always rainbows and unicorns, and we've spent the last month in a sad, rough place. A place that has left us forever changed--the scars on your heart kind of changed. It's a story that I'm working on telling-- I'm taking small steps at a time.

It has been weird trying to figure out this new me. In some ways I feel like I'm the same person and can be my happy, bubbly, silly self. I feel proud of myself for being able to be this person most of the time and especially at school with my students because they deserve my best self. But, I'm also not that person that I used to be anymore. I feel more reserved, more guarded, and it's been harder for me to feel as positive about the future--not always, but sometimes.

But, I can say that I feel stronger than I've ever felt. This was the first real personally painful experience I've faced in my life, and it's the first one for Kyle and for us as a couple. In some ways it's been a relief to see that I and we can face something like this and still come out standing. Our relationship has grown, strengthened, and deepened in ways that I couldn't imagine. And I'm proud, so proud that at a time where we could have crumbled we didn't.

So for now, we're sitting tight and relishing in the small joys-- like fall and all that comes with it. Each day my smile becomes a little less forced, a little more genuine.

One step at a time.