Our Blueberry & Our Rainbow Baby

In Honor of Our Precious Blueberry

April 16th.  A day that comes with so many mixed emotions. I've only typed this much and my eyes are already filling with tears.

This was our due date from our first pregnancy, and I know that there was a big chance that our baby wouldn't have been actually born on this day, but once we lost that baby, this was the only date we had to cling on to. The day that we will celebrate our Blueberry because I just don't think I'd be OK without giving that baby, our first baby a day to be remembered. Because I never want to forget the joy that came from that very first time we found out we were pregnant and that very first heartbeat we heard of a baby we created. Our Blueberry changed our lives.

 And so on April 16th, and really, these past few weeks leading up to this day, Kyle and I navigate the weirdness that is today. Because on the one hand it is a sad day-- a day of what could have beens and what isn'ts.

But, we're also here, pregnant and expecting a baby. A different baby.  A baby boy. A baby boy who we love so incredibly much. But, a baby who wouldn't exist if we hadn't lost our first baby.

I remember reading a beautiful blogpost that introduced me to the term Rainbow Baby--the baby you're pregnant with that is the light after a storm, just like a rainbow. Usually when there are rainbows the skies are still gray. And the rainbow symbolizes hope. Kyle and I are still healing--our skies are still gray. But with this new life is so, so much hope.

I don't really know how to put into words what my heart feels right now on this day. It's complicated, for lack of a better word. And that is OK.

So, today, we will eat blueberries and sing "Happy Birthday" to a baby we will never meet on this Earth. Our Blueberry.

And, we will thank God for the precious baby boy growing in my belly and pray for the day that we hopefully get to meet this baby. Our Rainbow Baby.